A Thumbs Up To Myself.

What is happiness. Or at least what do you think happiness is?

Once upon a time happiness was not measured but felt. It was defined as a feeling, an emotion that no other human-being other than yourself could quantify.

But…in today’s society, happiness apparently can be quantified or measured, in the form of likes, thumbs up or anything else related to social media. The more likes or hits we get on an image w of ourselves or food or anything else; the happier we are. However, the question here is that, is this a true form of happiness or just a form of validation for your ego; a technique in reassuring yourself that you have ‘friends’ or like to think you do. Because if this is the case, we are in a worrisome situation. This fake or superficial happiness we have created for ourselves is non other a call for help. Or I would like to think so.

No person, other than yourself should validate your happiness. Happiness is the deep understanding and acceptance of what, who and how you are as a person. It is the feeling of absolute contentment of whatever you’re living right now. It is probably easier said than done but even so, we’re not trying hard enough. Just because ‘happiness’ is at the tip of our fingers we resort to that rather than actually looking at ourselves first. We’ve become lazy and lost this bond we once had with our mind, body and soul.

So put down your phone, laptop , tablet or whatever electrical devise you’re using to read this and look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself am I happy? Be honest, be brutally honest. There is no need to be afraid of yourself. In this moment you have two choices, you can be your very own worst enemy or your biggest fan.  That is up to and you only.

But if I was to part with some advice I would suggest you try the latter.

You don’t need to change, society does.

To every girl that has ever looked in the mirror and didn’t like what she saw;

You are not alone.

Some of you may grow out of it, ignore it, and accept it or some and when I say some, quite a lot of you will take drastic measures. Of course, these drastic measures should never be an option and before you do, you should seek help. It is not something to be embarrassed nor scared of – the society that we live in has given us a false sense of beauty and what it really is.

Before I go on, I want you to remember that you are beautiful , no matter what society tells or shows you.

This subject is one that has been discussed many a time before,  but I am writing from a personal experience. I am not particularly ashamed o nor am I proud of it, but I am prepared to talk about it. Because this topic, for many girls, isn’t easy to talk about let alone write about in a public platform. It has taken me 10 years to pluck up the courage to face this topic head on and consequently face my insecurities.

There are many people who will read about my experience and think of me shallow. Honestly, that is their opinion and they are entitled to it, but it is a poisonous one. It is destructive and can cause more damage than you can imagine. Judging a person and their actions, that do not effect them in any shape or form should not be something they feel they need to get involved in. So, here’s a message to everyone who may fall into this trap

Before you judge, always remember that you will never understand what a person is going through unless you’ve lived their life, walked a mile in their shoes and saw and heard what they experienced. And then maybe and just maybe, you can only get an idea of how it is to be them.

I , for many years, had (and perhaps deep down inside still have problems) with the way I looked. It was not my weight nor was it my height: although both of which were the subject of people’s conversations (which of course I found incredibly annoying and somewhat hurtful) But the one thing that did, was my nose. I was blessed with a nose that outweighed my face. Throughout my life I heard hurtful comments , that, till this day play in my head and hurt me. Although, I thought, for many years I was satisfied with it and I was somewhat convinced about it, it did continuously play on my mind. I became more and more introverted and uncomfortable in my own skin. I looked at images of beautiful women and wished to be like them, which I still do but with a new perspective. I hated getting my picture taken, I hated being around other people because I was different. I measured my own beauty with those around me – I didn’t understand that my imperfections were what made me beautiful. My differences were what made me unique. But of course we are not exposed to that. We’re exposed to super thin, symmetrically perfect girls with perfect skin and hair. Whom of which have been heavily photo-shopped.

With my insecurities even the littlest comments would hurt me. But I remember clearly , the day I thought I just couldn’t deal with it anymore- the day a girl younger than me made a passing comment accompanied with a cackle referring to my nose. That moment I knew something had to be done. That girl unfortunately broke me. Nothing could change my mind. When the time was right , 5 years later I got reconstructive surgery for my nose. 2 years on, naturally I am satisfied with the physical change (which was actually minor unlike a lot of peoples reconstructive surgeries)  there is great regret and sadness that I actually let this girl get to me.

You may think me as being self centred and shallow but take a step back and don’t think of it as a simple ‘nose job’ you keep seeing on tv, it was more than that to me. From year 7 till the end of my undergrad years I was depressed. My self esteem was zero and my confidence lacked.That girl who, I will probably remember till the day I die , broke every inch of self esteem I possessed. Although, at that time I had nothing to be ashamed nor depressed about, I was a good student, got the grades and went to uni. But it is always these little things that truly mask a persons accomplishments.

The point I am trying to make is that, although I succumbed to social pressures and changed myself, it doesn’t mean you should too. Because, trust me you’re not alone. Do not let nasty comments make you change who you are because , you truly are perfect the way you are. Although you may not see it now, you will, eventually. It may be a long, arduous and painful process, but take it as a challenge and journey in which strengthens you for the better. Let it be a journey in which you learn to love and become the best version of yourself and nobody else. And most importantly let it be a journey that leads you to happiness.

Whether or not you choose to physically change your appearance, never do it for another human being. Do it for yourself. Do it if you’re convinced. But never as a product of someones nasty comments because those people are not worth your heartache or time. And remember a person is not measured on their appearance but on what is in their heart and their character. A person could be considered as the most beautiful person ever but their character, personality and generally lifestyle could be the worst.

It is true when they say never judge a book by its cover!

Live by that. And act on it.

Mind Over Matter

 

I’m upset with the world and their lack for humility and education. In the UK we have been privileged enough to have many of our basic rights literally handed over to us such as education and medical care. And yet we or some ( to avoid generalisation) take them for granted, those who benefit from the system and those who produce it.

I feel like I have been let down by a bunch of proud individuals who cannot be bothered to educate themselves about how to become less prejudiced and quite simply human. We live in the age of science, information and technology , we have no excuse for our offensive behaviour and lack of tolerance for one another. Globalisation has and should have eradicated this sense of selfishness.

Why can’t we just admit it.

We, as humans, need each other!

 

But then again …mind over matter.

Lets not-grow-up together?

Clogged up and unable to reach out.

Is pretty much the mantra of my life. I hold the weight of the world on my shoulders and there is no one to share it with.

I wish I didn’t grow up. Thoughts I have every night.

I wish I didn’t have to think of my future. I wish life stopped at 4, when things weren’t so complicated. When the biggest and hardest decision I had to make was what ice cream flavour to pick.

I wish someone told me being an adult is not all that.

I wish someone warned me about those crappy days , crappy months and crappy every days I would have to experience.

And most of all I wish someone warned me about the countless times people would disappoint and hurt me.

It would have been helpful.

Ps. Peter Pan was right.

Introverted or just effecient

17 Graphs That Are Way Too Real For Introverts

I should really call myself an ‘hermit’ rather than introvert. I have always felt the word ‘introvert’ was a little too clinical.

So lets start again. I am a hermit and I like it. There is no harm in liking your own company more than others. Not that I hate socialising I would just rather avoid small talk and generally making conversation with others and just get on with the task at hand. So please don’t make me do it. And if you do I’ll take it as another way of you saying, ‘I hate you and enjoy seeing you suffer’. So thank you in advance.

Its not being an introvert as such, its actually being efficient.

Womens rights and Ibaadah.

 

In both my undergraduate and post graduate degrees, I  spent every waking hour reading and researching what it means to be a liberated woman – and more specifically a liberated Muslim woman. From secularist to ‘Islamists’ arguments, I have been transported to different worlds of opinion in which I have found, more often than never, very difficult to grasp.

This is because my ideas for female liberation are within the foundations of Islam and thereby making the secularists argument, in my opinion, somewhat obsolete. And similarly the so called ‘Islamists’ argument is also somewhat incompatible, as it is essentially a Western created concept. A concept that has been conjured up to explain a spiritual and religious belief that goes beyond any man made idea.

Their distorted and outsider views of what a liberated woman should be, cannot be applied onto all women around the world and especially Muslims. This particular point is what has been of great interest to my studies and my whole outlook on the feminist argument. The feminist we see and continuously read about create assumptions built upon their own experiences and beliefs and for someone who does not understand Islam, it can be quite problematic. If any of these critics are to read the Qur’an they would be able to see that women are in fact extremely liberated and even more protected by the religion than any man made law.

These days we see on the news, new wars being waged with the justifications of liberating women in the Middle-East , on the basis of the releasing them from patriarchal nature of Islam. This is obviously a niave and ignorant remark to make and perhaps has acted as decoy to the actual reasons of these wars. For this reason I try to look at at the ways Islam has been misinterpreted as the problem that must be addressed is the way in which people perceive the religion itself.

If one is to look deeper into the way in which Islam liberates women it is possible to see that it encompasses all aspects of their social, political and personal lives. Islam is an all-encompassing religion, every aspect and action we do we have rules to be followed. Having said this, we can see if there is a rule for every action we take there must be a reward and penalty within it. Therefore, it shows that everything we do is a form of worship that we can gain rewards from and this is why we must always strive to do good. Humility and tolerance is a key character of a Muslim.

This may seem quite far from the point I started with but equality for women and men can be seen within this argument. The pure essence of Islam lies within the way we worship Allah and therefore making men and women equal in His eyes; regardless of what they do. We are judged as human beings on our deeds and not our gender.

Contrary to what academics and many people may think, the liberation movement did not start in the 20^th century but in fact long before and during the Prophets (PBUH) time. The Quran and the Hadith have been the source for Muslim women around the world, in which they derive their rights and duties from. Despite the negativity we continue to see in the news and publications about Muslim women, equality does in fact exist and it exists within the holy texts. Islam made women and men equally accountable to God through worship and glorifying Him. This has been a foundational concept in the religion that cannot be questioned. We see this through the way Islam has established equality in humanity between man and women.

In the Qur’an, in the first verse of the chapter entitled “Women,”

Allah says, “O mankind! Be careful of your duty to your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it its mate and from them both have spread abroad a multitude of men and women. Be careful of your duty toward Allah in Whom you claim (your rights) of one another, and towards the wombs (that bore you). Lo! Allah has been a Watcher over you.” (4:1)

This merely shows that men and women came from the same essence and thus making them equal in their humanity. Which indicates that neither gender can be superior because it would be a contradiction of the idea of equality in humanity. In this sense women are not belittled as they hold the same responsibility as men in worshipping Allah; the most important aspect of the religion ‘ibaadah’. Ibaadah being the he act of worship, sees no gender nor age nor background. It is the act itself that Allah looks at and what is within the heart of the individual.

Another concept that may be mistakenly assumed as oppressing women is the way Islam encourages women to be righteous wives daughters and mothers. An assumption can and has been made by many, that Islam simply looks at women within this paradigm; but if one is to look deeper into the Islamic understandings of these particular statements; it has the opposite effect.

Concerning motherhood, and according to a weak hadith the Prophet (PBUH) said: “Heaven lies under the feet of mothers.” This implies that the success of a society can be traced to the mothers that raised it. The first and greatest influence on a person comes from the sense of security, affection, and training received from the mother. Therefore, a woman having children must be educated and conscientious in order to be a skillful parent.

The Prophet (PBUH) said: “Seeking knowledge is a mandate for every Muslim (male and female).”

This includes understanding the Qur’an and the Hadith as well as other knowledge. Men and women both have the capacity for learning and understanding. Since it is also their obligation to promote good behaviour and condemn bad behavior in all spheres of life, Muslim women must acquire the appropriate education to perform this duty in accordance with their own natural talents and interests. All these acts are a form of worship which once again returns us back to the idea of equality.

Islam does in deed recognise the natural differences between men and women but it does not differentiate them when they are judged. It is true that there are certain jobs that are suited for men and others for women but it does not necessarily mean that their efforts are seen lesser than the other. This is because in Islam, Allah rewards both men and women equally through their value and effort in reaching high levels of Ibaadah; regardless of the activity.

From this it is possible to say that Islam considers all human beings as being equal in the eyes of Allah. This is why it is vital to understand that the way Islam is perceived in today’s society is actually within a certain paradigm that has been developed through man made laws and beliefs. These concepts do not necessarily reconcile with Islamic beleifs and naturally people have found that difficult to understand.

And so the solution to this is to encourage, those who question the basic beliefs of Islam and the way it treats women, to look deeper into Islam. Help them understand that every action that both men and women carry out is judged on the same level as each other. They would see that equality is not about having the same job or same desires as man; it is about being judged the same as men on the day of judgement. Worldly desires and feelings can only last for a certain amount of time until it is taken away from you in the form of death and so what we all strive for is for a brighter hereafter. In order to reach this, one is to strive to continue to reach high levels of Ibaadah through their everyday actions and doings; whether it is smiling at your neighbour or praying on time; each day is a new day to prove to Allah you are worthy of entering paradise. Thus, showing that Allah only differentiates a believer through their acts of Ibaadah and not gender.

Islam does not oppress or differentiate women from men – it is a fair religion that advocates equality. Islam sees beyond the binaries and paradigms we live within and judges us on what is in our hearts and that is ultimately what we all want. If this worldy system does not treat you the way it should, know that deep down that Allah does and that is all a believer needs.

Have Tuwakul (reliance) in your maker.

 

I write for myself…

Ive always felt that words would and could help me through an internal crises. Mend a wound that I or a Dr could never nurse or  fill a void that no other could fill. But recently even words have lost their meaning. So many of us write and post but our words fall on deaf ears. I probably do not reach many but I guess that’s not the point.

I write for myself.

The person who writes this blog is not the girl who everyone knows. Its the person inside of me who is dying to come out, but failing to do so. It the outspoken part of me that has a hard time vocalizing herself, her feelings and emotions.

Thats the problem with blogs, although it may look like it has become a platform for one to uncover their layers and bear all to the world, it actually does the opposite. Rather than uncovering the layers that makes us ..us. It just creates a load more. We create an image for ourselves that we long for in our real lives but unable to fulfill.

I’ve been trying to finish this post for the past week, but so much has happened and I just don’t know what to say anymore.

So I am going to leave it as it is.

Perhaps it is better this way.

The state of my mind is as scattered and incomplete as is this post…

Looking back…

Around this time 5 years ago I was embarking on one the most important journeys of my life – my undergraduate degree in University. Although, my undergraduate journey did not start as I hoped, it most definitely ended in a way I will never forget. I can admit it was not my first choice but looking back it was  the best – so far.

A new experience, new people and new city. If I said I was scared it would be a total understatement – I was petrified. I was finally independent, no longer in the comfort of my local school and town. However petty this may sound it was the first time I had used the underground on my own. A little step for many but certainly a fairly large one for me.

I could not help  but think of the worst.  Will I make friends? Will they like me? Will I like my course and most importantly will I pass!? These are just some of the many thoughts I had. Luckily, these negative thoughts did not last, in fact they stopped even before I stepped foot into the university building. Sometimes I look back and really see how and when Allah (swt) was with me. He guided me from the first day and till now. He continues to guide me by keeping me in good company.

I will never forget my first day. As you do, in a new city, I got lost and was running late. Thankfully I could see ‘student like’  individuals making their way into the uni building, so like a little sheep I followed. At the time I saw one girl just ahead of me, looked friendly, perhaps in a similar pickle as myself, so I plucked up the courage and walked beside her and started chatting. Little did I know she would end up being one of my closest and dearest friends – who I would confide in, cry to and laugh with in the coming years of my university experience and In Shaa Allah continue to do so.

Thinking about it now, I really do believe Allah blessed me with her friendship; as, in those 3 year we learnt a great deal from each other. Also, having that one friend at the beginning made me feel a little less nervous, which formed the foundations for me to be  able to forge many more friendships in the coming days and years. Funnily enough and SubhanAllah it turned out we were also in the same class and same course – which was definitely useful.

In those 3 years my circle of friends increased and I cannot stress this anymore, but every person I met in university had a role in my transformation from being a rather shy, not-so-confident, school girl to a mature and independent woman I am now. For those who have a negative view of Muslim woman and men, of being oppressed or being the oppressors , I can tell you now it is not true.

Take that thought out of your mind and never let it return.

I was surrounded by intellectual , passionate and driven men and women who have been and will always be my role models and most likely be role models to others alike.

They were the representation of what university should be about.  It is a place where intellectual thought and passion is harbored and created; and as I sat amongst my peers and friends I would feel and see that. Everyone had a story to tell and an opinion to share, which I dearly appreciated and learnt from. It was just a matter of taking it all in and processing it into something productive and useful. Although at the time I didn’t, I vowed to myself I would throughout my life. I am still trying, perhaps with a little trouble, but in my heart I am really working towards it.

I would look forward to our intellectually driven debates and conversations and  would sincerely enjoy our friendly banter in class. Probably took those moments for granted and it has taken me a couple of years to realize it.  Regardless of age, ethnicity or background we were all one big family (sorry for the cheese but it is true). And between you and I of course we miss the education but also these merry moments are what one truly misses – the family dynamics of a friendship group. Even though it was harder for some members to admit it, male or female, we all looked out for each other with compassion.

There were some individuals who, perhaps are unaware of the impact they have had in my life, but it is worth mentioning now, that they were and will always be  (regardless of where they will be in the world or if we ever talk again)  an extension to my family. Saying they supported and believed in me, would be an understatement. I was incredibly lucky and blessed and even at times may have not deserved such beautiful people around me. But of course Allah (Swt) knows what we don’t and blesses us in so many different ways. For that I am forever thankful, forever in debt and overwhelmed for His gift of friendship.

He blessed me with friendship that I continue to cherish and will do so for the rest of my life. He blessed me with a friendship where I learnt and became a better person. And most importantly He blessed me with an extended family I will love. A priceless gift and a gift I will never stop being thankful for.

Truly when I think back, I get choked up, butterflies fill my tummy and tears cloud up my eyes. My undergraduate years were perhaps the most life changing and happiest years of my life (so far), and it is mainly down to the people I spent it with. If someone asked me, if you could turn back time would you change anything? I would say no, I would not change it but yes I would love to relive it.

The point of this post, is not for me to show you how soppy I am but to really show you that the people you choose to surround yourself with, genuinely have a lasting effect on who you are, as a person. They play a role in your past, present and future. However much you try to deny it, they influence your character and thus your whole life.  That is why it is incredibly important to pick them well. And when you do, you should never ever forget to thank them and let them know how much you appreciate and love them. Its not showing weakness or being soppy, its showing you are as human as the next person.

As humans we need to seek guidance at every opportunity possible, and sometimes we need to seek guidance from Allah (swt) through our friends. So choose them well.

And We have created everything in pairs, that perhaps you may remember.’ (Quran, 51:49)

As women we spend our whole life looking for that special someone and yet we fail to find them and end up getting hurt on the way. You know why? Read back the first sentence and if you see the problem; you are on the right track to a brighter and happier future.

But let me spell it out for you if you did not see it. You see the problem is that we’re always on the lookout, and not even just that, we’re always putting our future spouses up on a pedestal, when they clearly do not belong there. As women we put these men up against our own expectations and, let’s not lie to ourselves, these expectations are so sky high, reality is no longer visible. I’m not saying you should not have high expectations, quite the contrary, you should. But what I am saying is that a women must always be realistic. Don’t let your personal infatuations and fantasies cloud your judgement, because you know it will not last beyond the honeymoon period.  The faster you come to grips with the fact that your knight in shining armor does not exist and is not going to sweep you off your feet and buy you that castle  where you will live happily ever after in – the quicker you will find that perfect person you never knew you needed and wanted. Although, I’m not saying you’ll never get that, you do not know who you will end up with, he may be all that. And obviously we all want a happy ending. There is no wrong in wanting any of that, who doesn’t? But again, being realistic never hurt anyone either.

We have to understand that this dream we hold so tightly to has been constructed by the very talented producers and cartoonists of Disney. Let us not forget these characters are fictional and that is all they are. Regardless of this, you do not lower your standards and settle for something and someone you do not want. That is far more crippling than anything else, your happiness is far more important than your marital status. I believe that there is someone somewhere waiting out there already programmed to love you and does not know it yet. Neither of you know when and how and why you will meet but one day you will and it will be beautiful.  When it happens deep down inside of you, you will know God planned it this way. God is after all the best of all planners.

But! And this is an extremely important But! This can only happen once you stop looking because God has already done it for you. He did the hard work for you long before you were born. You need not worry about when it will happen because it is already written down, and it will happen whether you know it now or later. It will happen at the right time for the both of you. Perseverance is key and that is why you must never rush what will perhaps be the rest of your life. This subject cannot be taken lightly.

He has picked the perfect person for you who will treat you like you should and even better. God’s judgement is far better than your own or your families, when something is meant to be it is just meant to be. I know it sounds cliché and perhaps a bit like a Disney film but my faith in God gives me hope that He will guide me to the right person who will be a perfect match for me.

So it is about time we stop wasting the precious hours of our day by thinking about who we will marry, how will he look like and what job he will have. Stop looking for him because he will find you or you will find him when you least expect it. And when you do, you will treasure every moment, of every hour, of everyday of every year ,you will have with them. Knowing that this person was specifically made and chosen for you and for only you by our One and Only God is something that should always put your mind and heart at ease.

Is it not such a precious thought to know that God has your back in everything you do?  Just think about it, the feeling will be mutual because this one person would have been on the same boat as you for the years prior to meeting you.

They would have gone through the same frustration of not knowing who they will end up with and perhaps been through the same disappointments, but that needn’t matter to either of you. Everything that we experience before reaching our goal is merely a test to our patience. And especially when it comes to marriage, God continues to test us in so many different ways. He is testing us because He loves us and wants us to appreciate the gifts He generously continues to shower us with. So let go of all these worries and surrender to the will of God. Once you let go of these worldly desires and worries, God will bless you with so much more; something beyond your own imagination. And once you surrender you will be at peace. The happiness and love that you will feel when you meet that right person will be from God. He is the heart of your relationship, He is the one who will bring you together and He is the one who will separate you. He is the vital organ we all need and cannot live without. Something we must always remember. Without His blessings things cannot and will not run as smoothly as you hope. But when He brings you together you will be overwhelmed with a feeling you will both treasure and with the help of God it shall be maintained for the rest of your lives. As long as you appreciate and respect one and another and always thank God for bringing you together and for the life He blesses you with; He will guide you to a future you will forever be thankful for.

The way you dress offends me

The way you dress offends me

The way you dress offends me

Those words play on and on in my mind

The way you dress offends me? 

Well I didn’t know a black dress could offend someone so much 

I didn’t know covering my head would be such an offence

I didn’t know I was such an offence

The way you dress offends me…

I was playing incognito

I wasn’t meant to offend you or anybody 

I was minding my own business.

If I was to offend I would have intentionally attacked you

Oh wait…I didn’t.

You did. 

The way you act offends me. 

Oh wait, my opinion doesn’t matter

The way you act offends me

Hang on, that doesn’t matter

The way you speak to me offends me 

But then again I’m Muslim 

What would I know. 

The way I dress offends you.